05 - Daytime Telly

This is currently in draft:

Ho hum


Anyway I am discharged from hospital in mid June. I am completely unable to walk. The driver wheels me from the ambulance to my house and literally tips me into the house –vey much like one does with manure in a wheel barrow. Thanks mate!!

With some help from my brother and brother-in-law I crawl across the floor and helped onto the bed.

Although I didn’t know it at the time I would be at home for another five months.

What follows is my observations on the Television I was forced to watch during the day while recuperating:


Jeremy Kyle

What do people see in daytime television? Jeremy Kyle appears to be populated by chavs and pikeys. And why does he always SHOUT. Typical response from Jeremy to some ‘poor unfortunate soul’ would be: “ARE YOU GLAD THAT YOU SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER IN LAWS GOLDFISHES SON. DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL PROUD. LOOK INTO HER EYES!! YOU MAKE ME SICK” (wild audience applause) – OK I might have embroided it a little bit but you get the idea…

The program nearly always have some woman who has been hard done by a lover - usually by sleeping with her best friend, sister or mother, or in extreme cases her brother. Tears would flow, there would be an attempt by one party to punch the other and a ‘surprise’ guest would turn up – normally the aforementioned best friend, sister, mother or brother. At which point the program would turn into a slanging match (more of a musical slanging match actually, with the number of beeps one hears) an example of the ‘Conversation’:

“I ****** LUV ‘IM ALRIGHT”

“YOU ******* ‘ORE, E’S BEEN WIV ME, ‘E ******* WELL LUVS ME ‘E DOES’

“DON’T CALL ME A ******** ‘ORE YOU BITCH” – Attempts a punch..

And so on and on…

The weird thing is they are cliché people. You just have to take a quick glance at the way they dress and their demeanour and you know exactly how they’re going to act. For example:

The women – mostly very overweight, or if a druggie extremely skinny. They will all have a ‘Croydon tieback’.

The men – seriously spotty faced. Hair will be cropped and have copious amounts of grease applied. To a man they will be wearing a shell suit or at the very least track suit bottoms.

Jeremy Kyle a loathsome reptile of a man presides over the ‘debates’. Many of the shows characteristics have been imported from the American format (mainly Jerry Springer I suspect). One thing I have noticed is that during the showing each problem has to be more grotesque then the preceding one. It’s a bit like reading a compendium horror novel where each chapter contains torture more horrifying than the previous chapter.

What I mean is that the show may start with a couple having the usual sexual problems. It is followed by a man having an affair with his wife’s sister. Next up two people who have had a sex change cheating on the respective partners. Then finally a mother who is having an affair with her granddaughters boyfriend and so on. Each revelation is met with gasps and cries of “how could he?”

The worrying thing is I know people like this..( the audience I mean not the protagonists)

ITV3 - General

Why is it ITV cant ever start a program on time. And another thing why, oh why do they show television series out of sequence.

I was sitting at home one afternoon watching Heartbeat. All of a sudden PC Rowan raises his head. “UH?” – he emigrated to Canada yesterday. Not only that his wife appears – she died several programs ago.

The following day PC Rowan is in Canada again. What is going on??

Repo Man

Another ‘reality series on Bravo. Until you see the word ‘reproduction’ at the beginning and realise its all staged. Now looking back some of it was just a tad ‘theatrical’

UK Gold

I’ve moaned about this somewhere else on this blog but its worth further comment… STOP ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES AND LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE..

Digital channels in general – Stop moving things from Alibi channel to Watch and then saying ‘its exclusive’ we’re not stupid. By the way if people have Alibi then they will have the Watch channel as well so don’t you think they would of seen the ‘exclusive’ program already.

While we are about it three men in another boat started with episode 1 so can you please start it at episode 1 and not 2 NUMPTIES!!.

Well...here we go again. Another 'themed' programming from UK Gold. This time a western theme starring the 'magnificent 7'  -  Well golly gosh, its Only Fools, Blackadder, Royle Family and so on....... and heres me expecting a rarely seen series...How totally unexpected - sarcasm btw